Thursday, May 02, 2013

Thank You For Telling Me You're Gay...and You're HIV+

You know, with all this talk of Jason Collins 'coming out' of the closet and all, I have had a chance to rethink some things.

As it pertains, to relationships between gay men and straight women...the new 'mixed marriages...'

Modern day psychologists have used this term to describe relationships/marriages between men who are gay   (or bisexual...) and women who are straight.

The dynamics behind this type of relationship/marriage is very complicated.

I remember when it was just one man, one woman.

Now you can have a variation of what 'marriage' means...and complicated relationships are more the norm than the exception to the rule.



I want to talk about relationships where a woman enters into one with a man she presumes is STRAIGHT, and the guy (maybe intentionally, maybe unintentionally) does not share with the woman that he is gay or bisexual.

Some men won't share this with the woman because they are intentionally wanting to deceive the woman.  They married the woman as a cover.  He most likely works in a field that is considered 'masculine,' such as a minister, a police officer, or in the military.

He knows he will catch much flack on the job and maybe in his community if it were to get out if he were gay.  So he plays the role of a straight man-beautiful wife, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, 2 cars (one a minivan).  The other life he frequents the gay bar, perusing for a gay lover.  Or he may have a gay lover on the side...lives two and three different lives.

In the movie "Cover,' there is a great example of what can happen when a man does this.  I won't spoil it for you.  See it for yourself:



I titled this the way I did because I have some experience with dating (and almost marrying) a man with his own sexual struggles.  

I can say my story differs from Jason Collins' or the guy in Cover...my ex fiance disclosed with me from the onset of our romantic involvement of his sexual struggles...and his HIV status.  

At the time, I really couldn't appreciate the fact that AT LEAST he was honest with me.  As I look around and see SO MANY men are just plain scary, deceptive and maybe just plain old confused when it pertains  not to their sexuality but in the dark about their HIV status.

I can honestly say I am one of the blessed women that KNEW what was going on.  I accepted the proposal because I believed he had been 'converted' from his homosexuality...and that I could deal with his HIV+ status.

As the relationship went on, however, I realized that I could not deal...with both.

The homosexuality, well, let's just say as a woman, FOR ME anyway, it was important for me to know that the man I was going to marry was going to want ME and ONLY ME.  And I just couldn't accept that he didn't want ME.

How did I know?

A woman knows.  A woman knows when a man wants her...and when he does not.

And the closer I came to the day, I couldn't just play along to get along.  

The HIV+ status...well, HIV is a serious thing.  Yes, there are ways to protect yourself.  But, again, I couldn't deal with marrying someone who may be terminally ill.  That was too much of a strain to place on ANY marriage.

So I called off the wedding.

So part of my writing this is to thank him for his honesty....Thank you.

The other reason I write this is because I want to admonish men out there who are struggling with their sexuality.  They are (or at least THINK they are) attracted to other men.  And are in a relationship with a woman.

I want you to be HONEST with the woman in your life.

Don't go and get married to a woman because it would be a good career move, or ministry move.  Or you want to impress your family and friends.  Or even to convince yourself that you are 'heterosexual.'  

Don't use that woman as your 'conversion tool.'  Even the most desirable, beautiful, holy or whatever type of woman won't be enough to 'convert' you from homosexuality to heterosexuality.

I'm not even addressing the biblical aspect of this here....I am just talking to you .... woman to man.

As a woman who has been in a 'complicated' relationship (or two), I have to tell you.  It could backfire on you.  You might be going to the wedding dinner TONIGHT.  The invitations are out.  Everyone has flown into town and your bride-to-be may be brimming over with excitement about the wedding...

But if you even THINK you swing 'that way,' if you even THINK you're gay, or attracted to other men, CALL IT OFF!

Don't lie to this woman,  Don't lead her on.  Would you want someone to do that TO YOU????

And if you are a man (or a woman) with HIV, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SHARE YOUR STATUS BEFORE YOU BEGIN THE RELATIONSHIP!

That is information that you MUST share with the other person WAY AHEAD of time.  Don't wait til you've been together with the person for 1 year...or 2.  THEN tell them.  

Because IF you happen to sleep together, and that other person gets HIV, YOU can go to JAIL!

Plus, how ethical is that?  

Give that person the chance to work through whether or not they want to go forward with you in a (romantic) relationship with the HIV.  That is really heavy news...and they have the right to know.

And I know that getting tested for HIV is not a requirement in most states before getting a marriage license...but I HIGHLY encourage getting tested.  NOT just for the wedding...but (unless you're BOTH virgins) throughout the relationship.

NO matter your age, your vocation, your marital status, your status in ministry, or whatever.  If you have EVER had sex, GET TESTED!  KNOW YOUR STATUS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


CHECK OUT MY NEW BOOK "The Makings Of A False Prophet"



The Makings Of A False Prophet
by Wenona Russ



'The Makings of a False Prophet' is a book that looks at the motives for wanting to be in ministry as well as serving as a tool one in ministry can use to gauge where they are in the HEARTS as it pertains to ministry. Many a TRUE prophet turned false as a result of not taking heed to the very foundational and practical things the author shares in her 50-pg book. THIS is the stuff they WON'T tell you in Bible College or the School of the Prophets and/or Apostles! ‎'The Makings of a False Prophet digs deep into the heart and soul to determine the authenticity of a genuine call from the Lord, and how to keep that authenticity pure and undefiled. You will be blessed by this book if you are truly ready to examine yourself and see not only if you are in the faith, but if you are really called. It is an eye-opening and realistic view at what ministry is-and what it is NOT. Great teaching tool for any ministerial class on ANY level.





No comments: